don’t be a jerk

I really would like to have named this post “5 pieces of practical advice” but I had a hard enough time coming up with 4.

I am in no way implying that I have my shit even remotely together enough to be telling other folks how to live their lives, but I do think that I have a few valid pieces of advice in me.

So here are 4 practical (and unrelated) pieces of advice:

1. Keep a stash of petty cash in your glove compartment.
   Whenever I get some $1 bills in change from purchasing, say, coffee, food, or parrots - I’ll stick one of those bills in my glove compartment and by this I gradually build a small cache of $1 bills in my car. At any given point, I’ll have between $5-$15 in my glove compartment. This has saved my ass countless times at drive-throughs, paid-parking garages, and with the Mexican police.

2. Take the time to make a list of everything in your wallet and on your keychain
   After the last time I lost my wallet (however many years ago) I started keeping a record of every credit, debit, membership, and other type of card that I normally carry. Having had to struggle through remembering which cards to cancel once in my lifetime was enough to prompt me to spend the 8 minutes it took me to write up this list. Every few months I’ll double check and update it.

3. The worst time to get your car washed is on a Friday afternoon.
   Cause rest assured, the fella who’s getting paid minimum wage and has been working all week long and happens to be wiping your car down is trying his damndest to get the queue clear in time for him to start drinking with his buddies before the sun goes down. Find another time of the week to get your car washed. Don’t believe me? Feel free to come over any time and see the crusted turtle wax that’s been on the right side of my car for the past 8 months.

4. No matter how short the line may seem at the grocery store, don’t ever, ever get in line behind an old person.
   This will only ensure that you will have an excellent view of the line that you chose to pass up - the long line of teenagers and single men that you will helplessly watch whittle away while you slowly rot in your short line with the old person in it. That one “Who Needs a Quickie Mart” Simpsons episode was absolutely correct about this.
    
   I went to buy some milk this afternoon and made the mistake of getting in line behind 2 old people. I think that the second old person had actually started out young and had grown old waiting for the first old person to finish their fricking purchase. Hell, I had a fucking beard by the time I got to the cashier. And my milk had expired.
    
   Old people are slow as fuck. They are all very lonely and starved for conversation. And they can’t see well. And they also want to know if this gum is on sale. And they’re very sorry, they thought this coupon worked, but since it doesn’t, they don’t have enough cash so they’ll have to write a check. And one more thing - could you please get them a pack of Benson and Hedges Lights from the cigarette cabinet?
    
   This may seem like I’m talking about one old person, but I’m not. I’m talking about all of them. All old people.