The giant spiders are coming
The spiders are coming. Big ones.
How do I know this? Simple:
It’s hot as fuck.
And humid too. I went to New York last week, it wasn’t as hot and humid as it was here in LA, and that’s quite a feat in the middle of July. Whenever it’s this hot and humid, all spiderkind collectively decides to start turning into tarantulas. Tarantulas, on the other hand…they just stay tarantulas. No need to overcompensate.
Spider babies are everywhere.
I’ve been seeing them in room, in my bed, on the outside wall of my building, and everywhere else really. I haven’t suddenly stopped drinking or anything, so I know that these are the real deal. When spiders are this small I tend to leave them be. But it starts to get unsettling when you ignore the seventh one in the same evening. Especially when you know that they’re striving to grow up into tarantulas.
Some bastard-whore spider keeps spinning a web across my front step.
Every night for the past week, I’ve approached the front door of my building and walked through a spiderweb that was spun across the walkway, and then did the ensuing “Get them off me Get them off me Oh dear sweet Moses get them off me” dance. What other reason would a spider have to spin a web across a walkway unless it was planning on capturing human-sized prey - the human-sized prey that would be required to feed its monstrous tarantula babies.
I normally don’t kill adult spiders. I usually pinch them in a tissue and toss them outside so that they can protect my home from the cricket hordes. But I think I may just start whacking these guys with a shoe pretty soon. There are too many of them and it’s too damn hot these days for me to care.
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