Transformers, the movie
Still working on my next installment of the 72 Hour Film Shootout. It’s actually written. Unfortunately, it’s also long and boring. I’ll post it when it’s readable.
In the meantime:
I just saw Transformers tonight at the Mann Village. Don’t read any further if you don’t want to hit the spoilers.
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Okay, so it was a very cool movie with awesome action sequences. However, it got to the point where any scene without a robot in it became almost unbearable.
Most of what drove me nuts was the fact that Michael Bay and friends make absolutely no effort to fill plot holes. The thing is, the movie was, on all other accounts, pretty damn good. But there was so much stupid shit in there that I almost couldn’t enjoy myself at points.
See, you don’t actually even have to do that much work. Just do a night of brainstorming and tweak the enormous, glaring problems in a script so that they become only minor problems. That alone will make me happy. For this reason alone I am a big fan of James Cameron and John McTiernan movies - because at least they do that much (along with directing awesome action sequences.)
Anyhow, here’s what gets my goat:
- The goal of the heroes is to secure the “AllSpark”, an artifact of immense powers - one of which is the ability to turn ordinary machines into Transformers. Unfortunately, all the AllSpark seems to be able to create are new enraged, violent Deceptacons of various sizes and shapes. Why the hell do the Autobots want this thing so badly again? So that they can keep it around and live in constant fear that their washing machines may suddenly flip out and attack them? They spend a good chunk of the movie trying to secure and defend this thing instead of destroying it right away like any intelligent alien robot would normally do.
- So by the grand finale of the movie, by which point it has been established that there are at least a few flying and extremely lethal Deceptacons in the area (one of whom, Megatron, is the baddest of them all), what is the grand Autobot plan? To send the fleshy kid (Sam, played by Shia LeBeouf) to the top of some building with the AllSpark to get picked up by escape helicopters which will, no doubt, be instantly vaporized by one of the 3 flying Deceptacons that are swarming the area?
- For a guy who used to direct 30 second commercials, Michael Bay seems curiously unable to keep any of his movies under 2 hours. Considering the inordinate amount of chatter and pratter in the movie (really started to annoy the shit out of me), Transformers could have easily lost a good 45 minutes, and been a better movie because of it.
- What the fuck was up with Jon Voight? Very odd performance. And John Turturro? Was his schtick supposed to be funny? It was just weird and out of place.
- Seriously, does Michael Bay hate actors that much?
- Also, does Michael Bay have any non-white friends? Anyone in his movies that even has a tan seems to become an instant stereotype. A Latino soldier gets shit on for speaking too much Spanish all the time. A stereotypical Indian call center guy pops up at an odd moment. Some of the rednecks in the audience laughed but it wasn’t funny enough to me to justify adding to a 2 hour 20 minute runtime. And Michael Bay always seems to need to have at least one black character in each movie doing their crazy black thing. In Armageddon, it’s Eddie Griffin. In Transformers, it’s Anthony Anderson. In Bad Boys, hell, he’s got two of ‘em.
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