don’t be a jerk

My roommate told me that she’s moving out in the middle of December. She’s finishing classes soon and decided she wants to move back up north. SHIT! More on this later…
 
***
 
There’s currently a popular Menudo-esque Japanese girl-band called “Morning Musume”. Ostensibly they’re a musical group, but they pervade many aspects of Japanese culture and media. I’ve personally never heard their music. In fact, the first exposure I had to them was this (warning: screeching…lots of screeching.)
 
Mildly amusing. Mostly annoying, but kinda funny. Then today, I come across this clip on Google Video. Again, more screeching, but very very funny to me.
 
But it makes me think….what the hell do the Japanese do to their celebrities? Like I had said, I’ve heard that Morning Musume is a musical group, but all I’ve ever seen is footage of them getting fucked with. And seriously? Sticking a raw pork chop on a teenage girl’s head and putting her in a glass box with an agitated monitor lizard? I mean, that’s awesome and all, but, seriously, who comes up with this shit?
 
***
 
I’m 2 weeks into my run of American Monster’s 2. Audiences numbers have been dismal, but I’m still having fun playing a couple of sickos. And the cast is cool. I’m just really friggin tired. I want it to be Thanksgiving already. I really want to cook a turkey. After all these years, I’ve gotten pretty fucking good at cooking turkey. I’ll post a recipe soon.
 
***
 
On the cooking note. The latest batch of pickled eggs was a dismal failure. That’s the thing about pickled foods like this: you don’t find out you fucked up until about a week or two later.
 
***
 
Aside from non–stop line memorization for the AM2 understudy show. I’ve been playing a PS2 game called Shadow of the Colossus.
 
Sometimes I emphasize to friends and acquaintances how much I like video games. A lot of times this is to make light of my nerdiness. Occasionally it’s to show that I don’t give a fuck what they think. In the case of Shadow of the Colossus — this is just a really good fucking game. Beautiful. Artistic. Innovative. It’s a fantastic product. I might tell people to check out Grand Theft Auto with a grin and a gleam in my eye. Colossus is a game I tell them about with full earnestness. Check it out if you have a PS2.
 
***
 
So yeah, like I said…I’m looking for a new roommate. Anyone know anybody? Here’s the email I wrote:
 

 
Hey all,
 
It’s me, Dave.
 
My roommate is moving out in the middle of December so I need a new roommate. I figgered that I’d spam my address book before chancing the psychos on Craigslist. Please send this to anyone that you think might be interested. Actually, have a *little* discretion. Like I said, I don’t want any psychos - I can go to Craigslist for that on my own without any help, thankyouverymuch.
 
ROOM FOR RENT
on Washington Place (roughly between Centinela and Grand View)
Area? - I tell people it’s in limbo West Los Angeles between Mar Vista and Culver City
Near the Venice blvd exit on the 405.
a few miles east of the Washington blvd Costco
There are some good restaurants in the area, and a within a few miles is a public pool with a disturbingly high urine content. I have a 15-visit passcard to this pool.
 
-2 Bedroom
-2 1/2 Bathroom
(1 bathroom in each bedroom and a half bathroom downstairs. It’s ridiculous - I’ve never lived in a place that had more bathrooms than bedrooms.)
-Upstairs (bedrooms) and downstairs (everything else) areas
-Central Air Conditioning (fuck yeah. kiss my ass, summertime)
-Security buzzer access
-Gated parking garage with tandem parking.
-Washer and Dryer in building
 
$664 a month + Utilities (Gas and DWP - there’s also phone, dsl, and cable, but we can discuss that) And there’s a security deposit, of course.
 
I don’t have hard, exact numbers on the square footage of the rooms, but by my completely non-scientific, eyeballed estimate the room in question:
-is a pretty darn big room
-has a lotta closet space
-and has its own friggin bathroom…in the room…which means that if you’re the type of person that sleeps naked, you can get out of bed, go to the bathroom, take a leak, then go back to bed without the annoyance of having to modestly cover your genitals area.
 
In the neighboring apartment adjoining the room that is up for rent lives a nice lady named Susan. Susan drives a BMW and is, I think, a screenwriter. She also has very meek, chubby Chihuahua whose name I forget. This is, hands down, the quietest and most well-behaved Chihuahua I’ve ever met, which leads me to believe that it’s not really a Chihuahua at all, but a domesticated, hairless mole…that sometimes wears a little red sweater. But you know what? That’s Susan’s thing, so I won’t get into that.
 
So Susan, who is very cool, would be *your* neighbor. MY neighbor, on the other side of the apartment, whom I’ve only met a few times, is a burly, white freckly guy who fancies himself on occasional evenings to be an opera singer. Actually, I’ve found out recently that he really *is* an opera singer, so I guess I’m too quick to call someone a poser. Anyhow, this male neighbor of mine gets very excited during Sunday morning football games, and his extremely rich, operatic cheering and yelling often makes it very difficult for me to sleep off the hangovers that I inevitably have around that time.
 
That’s another thing: I like beer, and I drink an alarming amount of it. Some people might say, “You know, Dave, some people would consider you an *alcoholic*, judging from the amount of beer you drink” and to them I say, “Well I’m NOT…so SHUT UP!”
 
So anyhow, excitable opera singer neighbor would not be *your*concern. He’s next to *my* room.
 
What else…?
 
I’m not anal, but I’m not filthy either. In case you were wondering how messy I am.
 
The kitchen has a full stove and oven, fridge, dishwasher (another fuck yeah), and a rickety microwave. Everything is in tip top shape except for the microwave, which is a bit scary. I think that at this point, the microwave has fully nuked my berries, but you know what? A lot of times I just don’t have the spare moments to stove cook a full meal, so I’ll settle for having the mutant babies when I get older, just so that I can eat now.
 
NO PREFERENCE BETWEEN MALE OR FEMALE ROOMMATES
I’ve lived with women twice so far, and I’m used to it. My mother, on the other hand, still can’t understand how a man and a woman can live together and not be sleeping with each other. She actually asked me if I was gay once because of that. J H Christ, man. I’m sooo straight and my sex drive is just fine, thankyouverymuch. I just don’t sleep with my roommates, especially the male ones. If you decide to live with me, I will make sure that my mother leaves you the hell alone, regardless of your gender.
 
Anyhow, if you’re interested, call me (Dave) at 310-390-4740 or email me at dlee337@verizon.net and we’ll talk. The room will free up in the middle of December, but if you want to move in earlier, and you are not one of the aforementioned psychos that I’m so worried about, then I’m sure we could work something out.
 
Okay, I swear this is already the longest roommate ad ever written. Please send it to your friends. Thanks so much, guys, I appreciate it!
 
Dave
310-390-4740
dlee337@verizon.net