don’t be a jerk

Hi! We’re the new batch of pickled eggs that Dave is making. He’s already finished eating the last batch he made. In fact, one night he ate so many pickled eggs that he had a vinegar-induced hangover the whole next day. Sometimes Dave’s dumber than a goldfish. Seriously, if you put too much food in his bowl, he’ll keep eating until his stomach explodes and he dies.
 

Hi! I’m Dave’s very own bathroom. I’m one of the reasons that he likes his new apartment so much. I wish the feeling was mutual. Yesterday, I watched Dave drink a beer while he was taking a crap and reading a magazine. What the fuck, man. Have some class.
 

I’m Dave’s right pant leg. I have a small tear in the knee. I guess it was bound to happen sometime and, really, it doesn’t look so bad. Life is good, being Dave’s right pant leg.
 

Hi. I’m Dave’s left pant leg. What the fuck, man? I look like I’ve been leg-humped by a cotton gin. Some of Dave’s other pants have told me that all their left legs wear out like this. No one has any idea why.
 

Hi, it’s me - Dave’s left hand. I just…what the hell is everybody looking at me for?