don’t be a jerk

This entry is a bit dated. I originally wrote this before Eddie and I roadtripped to Chicago. Since the post ended up being fairly long, and fairly in-depth about my dad, I figgered I’d spend a little time editing it before putting it up.
 
Since I was going to miss my mom’s birthday, I took my folks out for dinner.
 
It made me think about how at this point in my life, I actually like hanging out with my parents.
 
***
 
What have I learned from my mom? My mom and I are similar and connected, much in the same way that my dad and my sister are. I haven’t so much learned things from my mom as much as she’s nagged me all my life about things we already both know.
 
My dad and I are fairly different, and because of that, I’ve learned quite a bit from him.
 
From him, I learned how not to be a bad father. I learned that it is terrible to not truly listen to those you love. I learned that in order to live and do good, we need examples to show us the way.
 
For a few years there, there was no one I hated more than my dad. For most of my life, he was a cautionary tale for me - an example of how not to live and how not to think. Because of this, I learned volumes from him. And out of all the things I learned from him, the most important was empathy.
 
***
 
At some point I realized that pops would never understand me - that it was not in his nature to even try. Once I wrapped my mind around that, I understood that it was my responsibility to understand him. And that, I found, is empathy.
 
***
 
I.
So seeing things from my dad’s point of view - we have this Kid living in Seoul in a fairly well-to-do family, the youngest of four children. He never really knows his dad, cause his dad hooks up with some Japanese lady early on, skips out on the family, and moves to Japan, where he finishes out his life. From then on, this Kid has no father figure, no positive male role model.
 
The Kid has an older brother, the oldest son, and the apple of his mother’s eye, but this dude’s a serious screw up. He doesn’t study, steals money, gambles, parties, beats up his siblings, and generally just fucks around.
 
The Kid’s around 10 years old when the North Koreans launch the offensive that starts the War, and the family escapes the city under the cover of night, to eventually reach the safe haven of Pusan, where the Americans eventually help the South Koreans defend the southernmost tip of the peninsula. They travel on foot, and by whatever transportation they can find, taking with them only that which they can carry. Maybe it’s the luxury of being the youngest, but unlike the rest of his family, the Kid thinks it is all terribly exciting. This is probably the most fun he’s had in years. Other than the fact that food doesn’t come on a regular basis, it’s like a big game for him.
 
II.
The war is over and the family has moved back into their house, miraculously undamaged. The oldest brother hasn’t changed much, but it doesn’t matter; he is still the apple of his mother’s eye. He is the oldest son, the one that will carry on the family name. The two sisters study hard, do well in school, and eventually meet the men they will marry and move to America with.
 
The Kid is now a medical student at the Catholic Medical College of Seoul. It is not the number one med school in the country, but it’s not far behind. His family has bought an apartment for him in the city for him to live in while he studies, a fairly substantial purchase. One day his older brother shows up and asks if he can crash for a week. The week becomes months. The older brother parties excessively and is constantly
borrowing money for drinking and gambling.
 
This is fairly disruptive to the Kid’s studies, but he doesn’t complain and helps out as much as he can. Truth is, he likes his brother. He looks up to him and has always sought his approval. It is a kind of blind side - a forgiveness - that can only be found in a younger brother towards an older brother, especially one that does not have a father.
 
Is it fair? Even in the midst of his idolatry, the Kid doesn’t think so. But what can he do? It’s family.
 
III.
The Kid eventually finishes up his studies and graduates. He quickly finds an internship at a local hospital and begins his career as a doctor. It is hard work, but it will pay off soon. It is at this point that the older brother comes up with a fantastic plan - why not sell the apartment? He’s found an interested buyer, and they can both split the money from the sale.
 
The Kid’s not entirely sure how it’s fair that he, the owner of the apartment, should be splitting the money from the sale evenly with his couch-surfing brother, but he assents. The older brother reminds him that he’s a doctor now and that it’ll be easy for him to find a new place, and it’s true. The Kid doesn’t plan on staying in Seoul for long anyway. He has other plans.
 
The oldest brother sells the apartment and gives the Kid his share, a check for the equivalent of $30,000. Who knows how much the oldest brother has kept for himself? The oldest brother merrily splits and the Kid leaves him on his way.
 
That same day, the Kid is at his hospital, assisting in a surgery. In the middle of the operation, a distant aunt of his comes to him with an emergency. She needs to borrow money, pronto. Somehow, word has gotten around to her that the Kid’s sitting on a pile cause he just sold his place. The Kid explains that he’s in the middle of a surgery and suggests that she ask the oldest brother. The distant aunt tells him that the oldest brother said to get the money from the Kid instead. The Kid sighs, and asks for her to wait until he is done with the surgery so he can cash the check at the bank and lend her what she needs, but no, she needs the money now.
 
The Kid knows what’s coming, but what can he do? It’s family. He hands her the check and asks her to cash it, take what she needs, and give him back the rest.
 
She cashes the entire check, $30,000, never pays him back, and till the day she dies, avoids him and makes excuses when she can’t.
 
In the end, it doesn’t matter. The Kid is a doctor. His income is already steady.
 
And he’s going to America soon.
 
IV.
American Immigration laws in the early 70s forbid legal immigrants from bringing in more than the equivalent of $250 in cash. Many immigrants find ways around this, devising creative ways to hide their money. Others, simply make do with that money and work with it. For the Kid, it is moot. He has found a new internship in Pennsylvania and begins his medical career anew.
 
This is the time of the immigration “brain drain”, where doctors, engineers, and other professionals find easy passage into the United States. Because of this, there are other Koreans in the state, not many, but enough to know, and many of them are medical professionals as well. Through this network, he meets the woman he will eventually marry, and, coincidentally, she is training to be an anesthesiologist, just like him. She is shy and plain-looking, but thoughtful and very well-read.
 
They court for a year and marry in 1973. A year later they have a Son. Two years after that, they have a Daughter.
 
V.
Soon after the Son was born, the Kid made the trip to Japan and tracked down his father, the one who had left him at an early age and the one whom he barely knew. The Kid showed his father his grandson and even let him hold him for a bit. The Kid said, “This is your grandson. He is your first grandson, and maybe the only one you will ever have. I brought him here so you could meet him.” The Son was, of course, too young to remember any of this, and the Kid never spoke to his father again.
 
VI.
Life is promising. The Kid’s hard work is finally beginning to pay off. He has a successful career. He’s married and has children, and a son, no less. At this point he has moved his family to California. It’s Bakersfield, but it’s still California. There is a small, but tightly knit Korean community there, and it’s close to Los Angeles, which has the largest population of Koreans in the world outside of Korea itself.
 
Los Angeles is also where the oldest brother is now living. The Kid’s mother, now farther along in years and looking every bit the grandmother she now is, has begged the Kid to front the cost of sending the oldest brother over to America. The Kid’s two older sisters, who are now living in Ohio, don’t think they should be responsible for it because they have their own families to think about, but mostly, it’s because they think the oldest brother is a complete fuck up.
 
So the oldest brother has been living in Los Angeles for years now, thanks to the Kid. The oldest brother has a wife and a daughter, who it turns out later, is adopted. He acts and looks the same aside from the fact that years of hard drinking have taken a toll on his health. In LA he has drinking buddies, but no family members to filch off except for the Kid, and for years the Kid makes countless trips to LA to lend money that he knows he will never get back.
 
The Kid does this because it’s family, and more specifically, he does it because it’s his oldest brother.
 
VII.
The Kid has bailed his older brother out of debt, funded several failed small business attempts, and given a great deal of money that probably just went into dice and drink. If the Kid doesn’t give money or is slow in giving it, the oldest brother calls his mother. He is the oldest son, and still the apple of her eye, and every time she gets a call from him, the Kid gets a call from his mother scolding him, sometimes cursing him for being a bad son and younger brother.
 
The oldest brother hasn’t beaten the Kid up since they’ve been adults, and especially not now that the Kid is, in great part, the oldest brother’s benefactor. Any physical beatings have been replaced by verbal abuse. The oldest brother’s resentment of his younger sibling’s success is undisguised. The oldest brother’s phone calls to his mother become more frequent. The mother’s attacks on the Kid become more vicious, irrational.
 
One day the Kid brings his family on another unpleasant trip to Los Angeles, but the trip is cut short and they return home early, to the delight of the children. Years later the Kid’s Son learns that the Kid had again come up to lend his oldest brother more money. Later that night, a bunch of them had all settled into a game of poker. The entire game, the oldest brother drank, smoked, and glowered. At one point the oldest brother got up and told the Kid to come outside so they could talk. Once outside, the oldest brother attacked the Kid, physically, for the first time since they were children.
 
The Kid never talks to his oldest brother after that, even despite the frequent and increasingly vicious scoldings of his mother. It should have felt good to be free from the burden at last, but for awhile, it didn’t. It just felt terrible to lose the one person he had tried to look up to his entire life.
 
VIII.
As it turns out, the Kid’s mother’s wrath was not only reserved for the Kid, but all of the siblings. She had been brought over to America at this point by the family and spent her years with her different children’s families, until she became too abusive and was shipped off to another sibling. Later on, it would become apparent to all that this was the first stages of a steady progression of senile dementia, but until that realization, her behavior is bewildering and hurtful.
 
This was a woman who was abandoned by her husband soon after the birth of their last child and a woman who managed to raise four children on her own. She protected her family during a war, and managed to raise 3 of them fairly well, even if her favorite child wasn’t among the three. But now she is an old woman with a failing mind, and volatile emotions. The same fighting spirit that helped her overcome life’s obstacles is the same spirit that fuels her destructive behavior.
 
When the Kid first moved his family to Bakersfield, he had a house built. Until it was finished the family lived in a three bedroom apartment. One room for Mom and Dad, another room for the children, and the third room for all the boxes holding the belongings that would soon fill the new house.
 
One day, the Kid gets a phone call from his mother. She’s coming to visit - in a week. She shows up, sees the apartment, particularly the third room full of boxes and throws a fit. She had come with the understanding that the Kid’s family lived in a house, not an apartment. She somehow develops the idea that within a week of receiving her call, the Kid has shuttled his entire family and all their belongings into this small apartment as a symbolic suggestion that there is no room for her there.
 
The Kid’s mother takes off to Ohio and stays with one of the Kid’s sisters. Who knows what story the mother tells her daughters? But for a few years after that, the Kid’s sisters are noticeably chilly towards him.
 
IX.
The Kid is thrilled to have a son. He has always wanted one, and seeing as how his oldest brother will probably never have one, this Son will ensure that the family name will continue.
 
The Son is a good-looking boy. He walks at an early age, is gregarious, and is imaginative. He likes loud noises. He likes to jump. He is a boy. He is child. The Kid can’t understand why his Son doesn’t grow up sometimes. He doesn’t like how his Son sometimes acts like a baby.
 
But most disturbingly, sometime around when the Son turns 6, he develops a twitch. A tic. It is subtle, at first, but consistent. Maybe the Son blinks too much. Later on, his left shoulder shrugs excessively. He works his jaw constantly. The Kid tries to make his Son stop. He asks, he orders. Soon he beats it out of him. This usually makes it stop for a bit, but then the tics come back even worse.
 
As a medical professional, the Kid knows about Tourette Syndrome, but he never makes the connection, or maybe he doesn’t want to. He brings his Son to a neurologist, and tests are run. The tests are clean, there is nothing apparently wrong with the Son’s brain.
 
The tics become extremely severe. Teachers actually send letters home, concerned about it. The Kid is furious. The doctors say that there is no reason why the Son should be twitching, so then why the hell does he keep twitching? At this point, it has become personal. The Kid has tried to be nice. He has tried to ask his Son, gently, to stop making those disgusting and infuriating movements. But his Son continues to defy him. He continues to disobey him, regardless of all the yelling and beating.
 
A Son should do what his father asks without question. The Kid has been asking nicely, and his Son blatantly disrespects his patience and restraint? He continues to beat his Son, at first to force him to stop the tics, but later the beatings have no meaning. At some point the Kid gives up and beats his Son out of sheer frustration.
 
The Kid adores his daughter, but a lot of the time he’s preoccupied with his gimp son.
 
X.
The Kid doesn’t deserve this. He’s worked so hard his entire life. He’s done everything he should have and even picked up the slack of others. As the youngest Kid, he forgoes the familial privileges of his older siblings. His father abandoned him early on. His brother didn’t love him. His mother calls him a bad son. His sisters take their mother’s side.
 
He studied hard. He became a doctor. He moved to America. He made a lot of money. He had a family, and children.
 
And still, everyone tells him that he’s a failure, or that he’s wrong, or that he’s a bad person. He is intimidated by his wife’s book smarts and philosophies. His Son continues to disobey him, twitch, and make a fool of himself. His family won’t stop criticizing him.
 
He’s tried his best all his life and he’s tired. It’s not fair, and he’s tired. He’s goddam tired of it.
 
XI.
Now the Kid has a dog. A yellow Labrador that the children have named “Sparky”. Sparky is not the brightest dog, but he’s quite possibly one of the friendliest. The dog is ostensibly for the children, but, in the end, it is the Kid who ends up taking care of Sparky.
 
The Kid grows attached to the dog. The dog is loving, loyal, and adores the Kid.
 
The children eventually leave home for high school and college. Over the years, the Kid’s wife has become her own person and is less and less tolerant of and affected by the Kid’s aggressions and insecurities.
 
In the end it is just the Kid and the dog.
 
XII.
The Son is now a young man. He has finally consulted a doctor about his tics and learned about Tourette Syndrome. His tics have become less severe, as they are wont to do with age. Through boarding school and college, he has spent a good portion of his newly adult life away from the Kid.
 
The Son does not think about his parents much and gets annoyed when they call him. His younger sister has also begun to estrange herself from the family, but extends a hand to her brother. In fact, she is at a time in her life when she needs the love and support of her older brother. The Son doesn’t give it to her. In his head, she is family, and family is something to be avoided or forgotten. Soon she stops trying.
 
In contrast to his childhood persona, the Son has now become a serious, dark person. The few people that are close to him witness his playful side and a quirky, dry sense of humor, but for the most part, he is very stern, and, oftentimes, severe and intimidating. He gradually makes more friends, but not many, and he spends quite a bit of time alone.
 
One day, the Son visits home. He plays with the dog. He has always felt bad that he didn’t spend more time with the dog. The Son notices something about the dog: the dog loves the Son’s father. Sparky loves the Kid. Sparky plays with the Kid. He looks after him. He doesn’t judge the Kid and is unconditionally loyal to him.
 
The Son has always liked dogs and has been long fascinated by how pets and owners seem to grow into and alike one another. He has a realization:
 
If my dog loves my dad this much, my dad can’t be that bad of a guy.
 
XIII.
Because of the Kid’s allergies, he is gradually forced to spend less and less time with Sparky. The dog is obviously lonely and eventually has to be sent away. Fortunately, his new owner has a ranch with animals, fields, and other doggie friends to play with. It is a good way for Sparky to spend his twilight. Within a few years, Sparky is hit by a car and dies. Everyone assures the family that it was a quick and painless death.
 
XIV.
But before then, once, the Son visits the dog at the ranch, about a year and a half after Sparky had moved there. Due to college and other reasons, the Son has literally not seen the dog in several years. He wonders if the dog will even remember him.
 
The Son pulls up to the ranch in a Jeep Cherokee, a new car that the family had not owned while Sparky was still living with them. There is no reason why he would recognize it.
 
Driving up, the Son sees Sparky playing on the grass. Sparky has gotten fat. He’s an old dog now. He’s obviously made great friends with the other dogs on the ranch, and it’s immediately apparent that his days are long and active and filled with companionship and love. This is the life he had always deserved. This is the joy that he never could have experienced at his original home, with his original family.
 
The Son parks the car. He steps out of the car.
 
- and in an instant, Sparky is on him, smiling, tail wagging, paws on the Son’s chest. There is love in the dog’s eyes. I haven’t seen you in so long, they say.
 
XV.
Maybe 50 yards away, there is a walnut tree. The lower branches and the surrounding grass is curiously absent of nuts. This is because the dogs have been eating them, and this is one of the reasons Sparky had gotten so fat. Sparky’s best friend among the dogs is an enormously wide Golden Retriever named “Ox”. Ox’s favorite activity, aside from eating, is to lean up against a person’s thigh and push them to the side. There are horses on the ranch and Sparky loves to run with them. He has learned not to try running with the mules because the mules will bite and kick.

But at this moment, the Son doesn’t know any of this. All of this, the Son learns later.

At this moment, standing outside a Jeep Cherokee that the family had bought only a year ago, for some reason that the Son cannot understand, the old dog is happy to see him.
 
***
 
Somewhere along the way, I learned the concept of empathy. And it’s all because of my dad.
 
- And because of the dog too. I loved that goddam dog.