don’t be a jerk

Last night I got a pack of beer from 7-11. I came home, cracked one open and started cleaning my room. I put on the new Strokes album (Room On Fire) and figured that afterwards, I’d probably listen to the new Rod Steward album of American songbook covers. These are the two albums I’ve been listening to nonstop for the past week.
 
***
 
I’ve never considered myself an audiophile, but I get downright indulgent with music when I like it. I have beer, awesome tunes, and enough free time to actually be cleaning my room. I think, with tunes like these - in times like these, who needs people?
 
***
 
A couple nights ago I had a late night IM session with my buddy, Jill - Me, because I’ve settled into a lifelong bout with insomnia, and her, because she’s nocturnal and jovially unemployed. Somewhere in the conversation, she inquires on the fact that I’ve been single for years, and later on along the way, I tell her that it’s because for a good many of those years, I was waiting for someone.
 
***
 
I’ve noticed that many of the women that I’ve been most attracted to in my life have been attached. I spent some time wondering if I was more attracted to these women because they were unavailable, but I finally decided that wasn’t the case.
 
In fact, I think I have excellent taste in women. And because of this, it is only natural that the women I find attractive are women that other men would also find attractive. And with that being case, most of them would, of course, have boyfriends.
 
***
 
Now I can tell you all sorts of reasons why I liked her. She was beautiful. She was kind. She was all the things you’d expect me to say about someone I found so wonderfully attractive. But really, what I learned from her is that, in many cases, you have to be the person you want to attract. And secondarily, you are often attracted to those who you want to be like.
 
This doesn’t mean, of course, that I wanted to be 110 lbs and look great in high heels. But I think what I really admired about this woman was that she was, in so many ways, someone I wanted to be like.
 
***
 
We had a chemistry, I always felt. Friends would even randomly tell me so.
 
***
 
This woman in question, did eventually break up with her boyfriend.
 
She promptly got together with an old high school friend. She seemed very happy with him. You can imagine the effect that had on me. That year I turned 26.
 
***
 
For this particular woman in question, I had waited years, right through my prime mid-twenties and now I was 26 years old. I had a good birthday that year. We had a party. I drank a lot. All my friends were there. I was happy to have them around me. The next morning I had a terrifically huge hangover. By some random stroke of fate, she ended up driving me home.
 
***
 
So in her car outside my apartment, I’m hung over and still a little drunk. My hair is messed up from sleeping on the floor. My eyes are swollen. I tell her that I’ve had a crush on her for years. I ask her if she’s known this. She says no. I’m not sure whether to believe her or not.
 
I tell her that if things ever didn’t work out between her and her fella, to throw a look my way. I say this while I look like shit hung over. I say this looking the worst she’s probably ever seen me look. Then I get out of the car and go into my apartment.
 
***
 
It didn’t bother me that I said this while I was at my dirtiest, most pathetic lowest. I wasn’t trying to get anything out of it. What I really meant was, “I think you’re awesome. For once I had to tell you that out loud. But I know it’ll never happen between you and me, and I’m glad you’re happy with your new fella. Good bye.”
 
I really did feel better after that. I didn’t feel good, but I felt better.
 
Now I’ve never been the most aggressive guy as far as dating goes (a symptom of my geek and freak days), but I did date, and I had passed up on a few terrific women during the past few years because of my tunnel vision for the one. I kicked myself a few times. Then I got over it.
 
***
 
I spent a lot of time alone. In actuality, I liked being alone, because for the first time in years - for as long as I could remember in many ways - it was a hell of a lot better than being lonely.
 
***
 
A year later, I got a motorcycle. About a year and a half after that, I rode that motorcycle up to Seattle from LA over the course of a week. At one point I found myself in the middle of a Washington sagebrush desert, and found that I was the only one of the highway for as far as I could see. This is when I truly learned the distinction between being alone and being lonely.
 
Being lonely is a state of mind. What do you do when you’re lonely? When you’re lonely you mope, you sulk, you feel sorry for yourself. You hurt.
 
Being alone is a condition. It is a physical situation. And what do you do when you’re alone?
 
You do whatever the hell you want.
 
I pulled back on the throttle and covered that Washington sagebrush desert at the top speed my bike could handle fully loaded down. 122 miles per hour. Later, on a stretch, I slowed down, locked my throttle, and I rode about a quarter mile with no hands. I found that I could steer myself by creating wind resistance with my arms. It was like flying.
 
And I thought, at times like these, who needs people?
 
***
 
The Strokes are over and Rod Stewart’s playing, and shit, I haven’t thought about a lot of this stuff in a long time.