don’t be a jerk

I learned a new recipe over the last month. It’s called “Beeler’s Broth” or something like that.
 
1 lb of green beans
1 lb of zucchini
1 bunch of parsley
1 bunch of celery
 
Dice, boil until soft, then puree in blender. Flavor with lemon juice. It makes a very mild, super-green mixture that alkalinizes your system. Probably the most useful thing I’ve learned in the last 12 months. Just smelling it makes me feel healthy.
 
***
 
Actually, I’ve really been making efforts to become healthier. Here’s why:
 
We just had our first preview for “Proof” last night. After a mere 2 1/2 weeks of rehearsal. I wasn’t debiliattingly nervous, but the idea of having a preview performance after such a short rehearsal time did have me a bit anxious, to say the least.
 
Anyhow, I’m known as the guy who sweats. I don’t stink, mind you. I just sweat. A lot. And very easily. I sweat if I think too hard.
 
So I’m a little nervous, and my first costume of the show is a thermal top underneath a t-shirt. Very warm. I started pouring sweat 5 minutes into the scene. People could see it from the balcony. And it’s not a short scene. I’m trying to be chipper and charming and really make a connection with the Kimiko (the actress playing Catherine), but really, I’m preoccupied with the fact that I’m turning into a wet slime monster in front of 200 people. There are scenes in the show where I’m supposed to be flustered, or out of breath and sweating, but this wasn’t one of them.
 
Me and the stage manager had a few yucks about it afterwards, but it was a bit frustrating at the moment.
 
Anyhow, I’m going to try my damndest to cut red meat out of my diet, and just lower my caloric intake in general. Whenever I’ve done that (my 30-day September of vegetarianism and my week-long juice fast) my body temperature has gone down dramatically.
 
In the meantime, I will try alternative methods to cooling down before the first scene:
 
-Drinking cold water.
-Thinking cold thoughts.
-Walking around backstage shirtless.
-Walking onto stage shirtless and never acknowledging the fact that I’m half-naked.
 
If I can’t eliminate the sweating thing I can:
 
-have a handkerchief on hand.
-have an umbrella nearby. If I start to sweat profusely, then open umbrella and indicate that it has started to rain. Pretend to be bewildered at the fact that other actors on the stage are completely dry.
-shriek “I’m melting” and then collapse. Hope that stage manager brings lights down soon after that.
-simply leave the stage in the middle of the scene and drive home. Ignore the ensuing insistent phone calls for the next 2 days.
 
***
 Okay, the next preview is in about an hour and a half. Gotta prepare…